I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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