I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
