she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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