took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
