At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
