My friends, they love my intelligence
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
