WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
