No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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