Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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