well I can't set my house on fire every night
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
