just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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