I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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