You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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