If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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