watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I want to fling myself into the sun
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
