Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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