He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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