see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
