I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
