I puked a lego.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
