I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
