I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
