Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We are all done wearing pants today
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
