I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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