whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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