Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
