Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Pants are for mortals
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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