i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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