You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
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We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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