Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
