I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
