Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
