he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
