he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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