I will die if light touches me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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