wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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