we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
