Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize