Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
