you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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