Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
