32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
