you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
