You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
