Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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