But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
So. Much. Porn.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
