Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
