so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
