Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
