i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
