So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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