I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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