Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
