I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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