I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize